| Levi |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|12:18 pm] |
I found this on myspace:
"you ought to really embrace your single life and enjoy ever minute of it man! Thats what you got rid of me for right? Why should you be lonely and sad? Aren't you the one who made the decision to throw away the greatest thing two people could ask for? Well that's just a little sad story nobody probably wants to hear about anyways right? That one guy out there who loved you for all your beauty and all your flaws and believed everything you said, than stood by and watched you do all sorts of things that still haunt him even half way across the world, and still told you he loves you and wants to be with you still? Even as he's going through all sorts of shit? Oh man, you kill me Francesca. I certainly hope that you don't pass up the next "great guy" you meet because you feel lonely and miss, wait, lets see, "someone", not anyone in particular, but just, "someone", to be there for you. I hope "someone" will come into your life shortly and you can ride off into the sunset with him, and i'll still be the one with the only true right to complain gripe and moan about trusting and loving someone and than being left off to deal with it all going wrong on his own. God, I sound bitter and miserable don't I? Yes I do, well Thank You for that!!! At last i'm no longer naive and think love is something wonderful, it actually sucks pretty fucking bad from my experience. I hope you can just shake all this shit off and be happy, because your supposed to be the happy free one right? I thought the one who gets heart broken is the one thats supposed to feel all those things you are whining about. Play the field my love, play the field!!!! You'll meet all sorts of interesting people, you might even make one fall for you! And it will be almost as amazing as the real deal which has already slipped away. You talk about never again having this and never again having that, when you still had it up to this very moment!! I guess its just a sad story that the one on this side has no room for in his heart at all. Ugh"
I hate her for doing this to him. This man used to be ... amazing. He had passion and life and spirit and now he is just angry and bitter and gone. But at the same time, I expected so much more from him. I expected that open minded side of him to just fly away from all her bullshit and for him to move on. I was reading his words up there and its the same shit Eric Beauchamp used to throw at me. I just wish Levi could let go of her. I don't think what they had really was love. I don't. I never have. Because all he would talk about was sex and drugs and how she was great at doing both. And when they broke up he would always say "yeah but she'll never find a man that could do the things I did to her in bed." and I was so upset that that's what he wanted her to miss after he was gone. Not the love ... not the bliss of having someone to share your thoughts and fears and joys and tears with .. no, just sex. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE having sex with Vladimir ... but it is not the ONLY part of a relationship. And I guess I am a little hurt that he has a myspace and he hasnt looked for me. That he logs on every day and hasnt emailed me. I was RIGHT there by his side when she was fucking him over, talking to him, sharing smokes with him, IM conversations, I was always there when he asked - and now, I ask for one letter or email and I get nothing. I hate feeling like I extend myself out for people and don't get much back. It's like I'm maxing out my emotional credit card for people and they don't even give me a minimum payment sometimes. Anyway, I just hope he gets over this and comes home safe. |
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| Exactly my point |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|01:56 am] |
USMCVixen2405 (01:52:08): "He taught them that true religion consisted not of religious scholarship, but of a sincere love of God combined with warm faith and belief in the efficacy of prayer; that the ordinary person filled with a sincere belief in God, and whose prayers come from the heart, is more acceptable to God than someone versed in and fully observant of the law." Thats what I believe.
Eating Chaos (01:52:44): where's that from?
USMCVixen2405 (01:53:02): Which is why talking you you about religion is so ... strange. because it seems like thats all there is for you ... words and facts and history.
USMCVixen2405 (01:53:11): history of hasidic judaism
USMCVixen2405 (01:53:27): i dont feel like anyone has any faith
USMCVixen2405 (01:53:34): its all words against words
Eating Chaos (01:53:34): yeah, but thats shitty scholarship
USMCVixen2405 (01:53:56): so?
Eating Chaos (01:54:20): if we're going to understand Jesus' message, we need to understand it as those of his own day understood it
Eating Chaos (01:54:24): because he was directly speaking to them
Eating Chaos (01:54:27): that requires history
Eating Chaos (01:54:58): so can i finish my explanation of the Last Supper-Crucifixion-Resurrection culmination of his Kingdom of God ministry? |
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| Kisses in the Snow |
[Dec. 9th, 2005|03:04 am] |
. * . . * . . * ..
* . * .I love him. * . *
. * . . * . . * .. |
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| This is mine. |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|03:18 pm] |
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There is this once in a lifetime chance to ever have that connection with someone. The connection that makes you feel like you have slowly entangled together amidst wild fantasies and passionate embraces to finally become … this feeling. The feeling that makes you feel warm from the inside out when you realize your hearts are beating at the same time after making love entwined in each other’s arms. And I have it. I have this once in a million years, against all odds and chances feeling. And I have it with a man who, despite all my imperfections, shares it with me. It’s this comfortable silly sexual feeling that I have never been dedicated long enough to one man to have before. And if any man deserves to receive it first, it would be him. |
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| Perfect |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|11:36 am] |
I knew all I had to do was wait.
I knew that some perfect night with him would come along and give me exactly what I needed to get rid of all my fears.
Everything last night was wonderful; the dinner, the movie, the brownies, the poker (Royal Straight Flush), and then laying down with a man who knows exactly how to please me ... twice. He stayed, he kissed me, he made love to me, kissed me agaian, and then we fell asleep in each others arms. He held me so securely last night, like I was falling or something. But I stayed right there all night and most of the morning until he left a few minutes ago. |
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| November 14, 2005 |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|11:29 pm] |
So I realized that the thing I am holding onto is a man who, despite my rash insanity and overwhelming high emotional maintenance, still loves me. He loves me. And that counts for more than all the bullshit that happens from time to time. Yes, at times I feel ignored and underappreciated. But I can’t forget about the times that he holds me and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman who ever lived. He makes love to me like I am the only woman he will ever love, and I have never felt that with a man before. “It didn’t matter because it was worthless.” He told me one night. Those words were perfect. The way he kissed me last night … the passionate gentle power I felt was exactly what I needed after feeling so alone. All I can think about now is how hard it is to make me happy. Yes, I wish he would talk to me more often and I wish our sex life was a little longer and more exciting. Yes, we have our problems. What relationship doesn’t? I just wish I could regain my own sanity without a kiss or a touch of his hand. But, I have finally let go of the fear that there may be someone else. That is monumental. That fear has been plaguing me through every relationship I have ever known. Now it’s finally left me.
I do not know what I want out of life. Does anyone?
…
He doesn’t lie to me, he carries my picture, he does that thing that makes my legs shake when he is inside of me. He does so many things right. He just doesn’t know what I need sometimes. But I don’t even know what I need sometimes so how the fuck is he supposed to figure it out? “Is someone getting the best of you” … I love this song. It’s sop intense.
We have ferrets.
“Why do we let the one thing we don’t have change the way we feel about that which we do have?” – Carrie.
I’ve decided that no matter what happens, we are going to Vegas. I love being around him, it’s just fun. I would like to think that at the very least we have developed a connection that will create a lifetime friendship if nothing else. |
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| October 18, 2005 |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|11:15 pm] |
God,
Give me the courage to follow Your will and the strength to accept whatever the future may bring. Hear me again in another hour of desperate loneliness. Stop these tears and complete this broken heart so it may love freely and completely without fear. Send your angels to take away these nightmares. Calm my soul and give me peace from these restless memories and uncertainties. Cleanse me, O Lord, so that I may receive a new way of life in You. Give me direction to Your grace. Open this heart to a man You have given me to love. Fill my heart with Your spirit so that it may finally feel worthwhile. |
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| September 4, 2005 |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|10:58 pm] |
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It’s the uncertainty that kills me most. So my plan for sanity is this: whatever God has planned will be. Nothing is ever certain; good or bad. But I do think that some amount of weight should be given to what this is now. I hope that in the spirit of the High Holy Days that he will find a peace in his soul. Something about this love has a touch of God’s grace. No matter what the future holds for us two, I will always treasure this first pure love in my life. Yes, I am afraid that I am not good enough. What woman isn’t? Tomorrow is the 4 month mark. I have found comfort in the fact that he is not a man to break a woman’s heart for pain’s sake. I miss him fiercely when he isn’t around, and I try desperately not to let on about it. What’s a girl to do? |
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| August 18, 2005 |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|10:40 pm] |
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I am floating on a crystal wave as it rolls my past away. A serenity I can’t describe turns with the tides and I feel my beauty reflected in every grain of salt. This is how God makes angels. As the sun rises in the hot afternoon, the salt dries on my face. As I wipe each crystal of magnificent perfection, the wind carries them into the world. No one can hold the ocean, but one chance to just be part of it is more blissful than any other God graced blink in time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|12:59 pm] |
back to an empty bed.
i didnt want him to go last night.
he didnt go last night.
and when he kissed me this morning, i felt so beautiful and moved that it felt real again. he gave me this look that shot right into my heart and there was so much i wanted to say and apoligize for and try to explain about this whole silly mess ... but then i noticed the look again and realized i didnt need to do anything but be myself. |
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| St. Rose of Lima |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|10:44 pm] |
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I went to God’s house today, knocked on the door and no one was home. The doors were locked and I didn’t find any answers to any of the nightmarish questions I've been asking Him. |
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| This is me |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|10:38 pm] |
I make mistakes and I get emotional.
This is my one place to hide from the world and scream silently without being judged. |
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